My Evolution from Grinch to Elf
You guys! Christmas is coming!
Me! I’m excited!
And that alone is enough for me to question my entire existence…
Who am I?
I used to be the biggest Grinch there ever was. Aside from the original Grinch, that is.
I hated Christmas and everything in it.
I hated that I was forced to buy people shit that they didn’t need because the commercials during The Bachelorette told me so.
I hated that every goddamn October, Christmas decorations would slowly start creeping out from their caves to make their way to the front of shops, and by December the decorations were full blown accosting people who just wanted to buy toilet paper or coffee without having to climb over fucking Santa Clause and his menaces.
I hated the constant Christmas movies you couldn’t avoid on TV, the Christmas carols playing EVERYWHERE, the tinsel, the fake snow…
I hated Christmas!
But, surely you loved it once, Bildo?
When I was a kid, growing up in Former Yugoslavia, we didn’t celebrate Christmas like everyone does here. I mean, we acknowledged it, but New Year’s Eve was the big deal, that’s when we got given presents.
And we cherished those presents, because there wasn’t a lot of money going around so presents were an actual treat.
Then I got older in Australia and I realised that Christmas is a commercial and marketing venture, nothing more. It wasn’t about giving your family and friends a token of your love, it was about spending hundreds of dollars on something that, frankly, no one really cared about.
So for many years, I refused to participate. There was no tree, there were no fucking lights and reindeers in my yard. Nada.
So what’s changed?
I have CHILDREN!
I – am – an – Elf and I cannot lie!
I hope ya’ll read like like Sir Mix-A-Lot intended.
Anyway, this year, Christmas is coming and I AM SO EXCITED! It’s all the children’s fault really, because they get excited about the smallest stuff! I have discovered that children love colours and lights and fun and most of all… PRESENTS!
And what do I love? My children. Making my child happy is the most beautiful feeling in the world.
I can’t even believe I’m admitting this, but the other day, I even turned on ‘Miracle on 34th Street‘… I lasted a total of 6 minutes and 34 seconds, but that’s more voluntary Christmas movie watching than I have ever done in my life.
So here we are, it’s only November, and I have almost finished all my Christmas shopping (because fuck crowds) and I am still on the hunt for a lovely Christmas tree – our very first one EVER!
And I don’t want a small, shitty tree.
I want a decent, beautiful tree, I want one that will fill me with delight and all them feelz.
And I want to put presents under it, oh so many presents!
What does the Husband get?
I mean, children are easy to shop for, but what will I get the Husband, I hear you ask?
He gets nothing. He may get a sexual favour, maybe in January, but we don’t do gifts. I don’t expect one from him either.
In fact, if you are expecting a gift from me this year, and you are older than five (Janina, I know you’re reading this, just to be clear that being child sized doesn’t count!), I wouldn’t hold my breath.
I have enough trouble remembering all the children.
And here’s a hot tip – always buy extra presents! I guarantee you, you will forget someone!
Santa has an extra stop this year
So now that Santa and I are friendly, he may even get some cookies and carrots to eat on Christmas Eve…
…that I will diligently munch on in my Santa suit when the kid goes to sleep.
Ahhh, the excitement!
Tell me – is Christmas excitement new for you? How will you be cerebrating this year?
Now go and spread that Christmas cheer for all to hear!
Man, I never thought I would say that without dripping sarcasm…